@alexjmann

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

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@PaulyMosh

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

@CheetoBandito77

This lady cashier asked me if I wanted it “double bagged”…I said “No, you’re not THAT ugly…”

And that’s why I’m not allowed in Target.

@Thedudish

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

@notalogin

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

@iamburtjarvis

my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.

@haleysfalling

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

@realHamOnWry

Putting a light in the refrigerator is God’s way of telling us that it’s okay to eat before going to bed.

@truegritrumble

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

@rachelle_mandik

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

@dankmccoy

Insane Clown Posse is really giving a bad name to all the rational clown posses out there.