Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
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This lady cashier asked me if I wanted it “double bagged”…I said “No, you’re not THAT ugly…”
And that’s why I’m not allowed in Target.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God’s way of telling us that it’s okay to eat before going to bed.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Insane Clown Posse is really giving a bad name to all the rational clown posses out there.