I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

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An anonymous internet person said they were going to block me and then blocked me. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.


Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!


-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.


Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.


Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything


@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.


If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.