Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
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[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Pat is about to own someone
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
The Assassin.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to