My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
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tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I feel seen
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁