I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

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Boss: Anyone have anything else to add to this meeting?

Me: Yes. I am awesome.


Me: Write that shit down.


Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.


My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.


You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”


I read the other day that if you leave alcohol-based hand sanitizer in your car it can ignite in the hot sun and blow your car up and my takeaway was “don’t leave your phone in the car”


The only meal my girlfriend ever makes for me is alphabet soup because even when we aren’t fighting she still loves to put words in my mouth


It’s always good to know what’s happening in astrology. When nothing seems to be going right, you can blame the stars.


When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.


[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]