I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
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Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!