@AnniemuMary

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

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@TheMichaelRock

Boss: Anyone have anything else to add to this meeting?

Me: Yes. I am awesome.

Boss….

Me: Write that shit down.

@RobDenBleyker

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

@bylinetd

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

@McNarstle

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

@portmanteauface

I read the other day that if you leave alcohol-based hand sanitizer in your car it can ignite in the hot sun and blow your car up and my takeaway was “don’t leave your phone in the car”

@JermHimselfish

The only meal my girlfriend ever makes for me is alphabet soup because even when we aren’t fighting she still loves to put words in my mouth

@SilverKick

It’s always good to know what’s happening in astrology. When nothing seems to be going right, you can blame the stars.

@Darlainky

When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.

@chuuew

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]