I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
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I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross