@crow_death

I’m going to put my limbs into each corner of a fitted sheet and attempt to become a sugar glider.

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@0hJuliette

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉

@mic22ken

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: I could care less!

Me: How much less could you care?

Coworker: I don’t get it.

Me: I noticed.

@LosLos__

HR: And what would you say is a weakness of yours?

Me: Lindt truffles.

HR:

Me: Dr. Pepper.

HR:

Me: Redheads….?

*winks*

HR: Get out.

@MeatloafComedy

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

@jessica_salfia

This poem is called “First lines of emails I’ve received while quarantining.”

@mayamanion

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

@better_off_dad2

Life is:

•10% what happens to you
•90% how you react to it
•25% poor math skills

@DurtMcHurtt

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

@LizHackett

Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.