“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
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If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.