@IncrediblyRich

I’m going to skip home tonight because sometimes life is seriously brilliant. *throws confetti*

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@Brampersandon_

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

@Heather2Go

Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.

@BoogTweets

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

@realHamOnWry

Probably the worst thing about getting taken down by a pack of Hyenas would be hearing them giggle while they eat you.

@WheelTod

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

@momjeansplease

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

@MNateShyamalan

team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special

meowth: hey

team rocket: we need it

meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk

team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do

Meowth: guys

team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love