*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
I’m going to skip home tonight because sometimes life is seriously brilliant. *throws confetti*
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Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Probably the worst thing about getting taken down by a pack of Hyenas would be hearing them giggle while they eat you.
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love