“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
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What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?