I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication