I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

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Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.


ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.


Friend: What’s your favourite season?

Me: Of which show?

Friend: 😐

Me: 😶

Friend: 😕

Me: 😐

Me: 👀💭

Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.


Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.


Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.


My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.


Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.


I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do


When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?


I wish my job was more like a video game. In order to be promoted to the next level, all I’d need to do is kill the boss.