I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

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Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…

Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!




[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.


[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”


Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.


“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night


God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.


[Me drunk in the stands at the olympics heckling my husband who is a curler] oh LOOK who finally learned how to use a friCKIN BROOM. real nice doug where was this whEN YOU SPILLED FUNIONS IN THE DEN doug


It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.


Sometimes I think you have good taste in clothing as I try on your sundress.
Other times I think you need a better home security system


<enter password>
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*