I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
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Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.