Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
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“How much are these glasses?”
“I guess you could say”
*puts on sunglasses*
*runs out without another word*
You know you’re a bad driver when Siri tells you “after 400 feet stop and let me out”
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Johnny Depp looks like a homeless man who was given $5000 to spend at H&M
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.