I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
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That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
All excellent questions
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru