@Darlainky

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

You Might Also Like

@ArfMeasures

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

@too_chihuahua

“How much are these glasses?”
“$150 sir”
“I guess you could say”
*puts on sunglasses*
*runs out without another word*

@close_c

You know you’re a bad driver when Siri tells you “after 400 feet stop and let me out”

@AlanFelyk

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

@thejessbess

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

@Home_Halfway

Johnny Depp looks like a homeless man who was given $5000 to spend at H&M

@StansaidAirport

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

@DevilryFun

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

@PinkCamoTO

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.