I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
You Might Also Like
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
a badder mouse
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…