If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
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Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.