I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
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box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard