I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
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If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself