I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
You Might Also Like
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
just arby’s bein’ a bro
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.