I’m going to the corn maze today to see if I can find the kid I lost in there last October.

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This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?


[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes


[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”


My new year’s resolution is that donuts have no calories.


I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.


BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.


I appreciate my husband cleaning before we have guests coming over but he always cleans the weirdest shit. Our kitchen will look like a tornado blew through but instead of putting shit away this dude will be up in the attic scrubbing the walls like “iT hAs To Be CLeAn eMiLy”


If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.


there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick