SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.