I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
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[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Wasps: bees, but not helping