I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Body by Oreos
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?