I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
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“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable