“I’m going to the post office. I need a place stamp”

Wtf is that?

“I dunno but this envelope says I need one here”

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[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*


I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you saw me eating that cupcake with no hands and you want my autograph?


“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”


friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though


It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.


ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible


Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.