[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
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People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I might carry a baby with one hand.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.