I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
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“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Left at a local drug store…
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
This a good idea
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?