I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

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Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.


People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.


[at dry cleaners]

Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?

Owner: Yes

Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!


me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit


[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.


WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?


carnival employee: how many marbles—

me: *eats all the marbles*

carnival employee: —are in this jar

me [confidently]: zero

carnival employee:


carnival employee:

me: you meant jellybeans, right?


I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.