Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
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People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
– Reviews for “TicTacToe, The Movie”
How to float ? See here
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
carnival employee: how many marbles—
me: *eats all the marbles*
carnival employee: —are in this jar
me [confidently]: zero
me: you meant jellybeans, right?
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.