@LarrysTwin99

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

You Might Also Like

@squirrel74wkgn

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

@AbleLikes

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at dry cleaners]

Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?

Owner: Yes

Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!

@suecorvette

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

@GrowlyGrego

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

@TheToddWilliams

WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?

@lincnotfound

carnival employee: how many marbles—

me: *eats all the marbles*

carnival employee: —are in this jar

me [confidently]: zero

carnival employee:

me:

carnival employee:

me: you meant jellybeans, right?

@simoncholland

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.