monday
You Might Also Like
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Wednesday
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition: