@_Ashley_Jordan

I’m going to walk up to strangers and ask “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes, I will hand them a photo of me and walk away.

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@echo262

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

@ALF_from_TV

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

@aspiringtoucan

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

@dumbbeezie

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

@envydatropic

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

@AbbieEvansXO

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

@capnwatsisname

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

@MarkAFuqua_Hunt

You say you’re an atheist, yet you tell people they can “go to hell!”

Make up your mind already.

@Chhapiness

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

@vonTraphaus

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down