OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I’m going to walk up to strangers and ask “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes, I will hand them a photo of me and walk away.
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Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
You say you’re an atheist, yet you tell people they can “go to hell!”
Make up your mind already.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down