I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
You Might Also Like
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
#ProTip
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
The struggle is real
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.