@DianeP89

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

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@stevemarriott

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

@carlyken

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

@newLettuce

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

@SondraDeeMe

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

@thatUPSdude

10 bucks says Kanye signed the guest book at his own wedding.

@3sunzzz

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

@MikeDrucker

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

@markedly

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

@postcrunk

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

@dshack8

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?