When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
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You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.