I’m gonna be honest, I don’t even know where girls pee from

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Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above


For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.


“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”


ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT


Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on


If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.


Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*


TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.


Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*


I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.