@MattElGato

I’m gonna be honest, I don’t even know where girls pee from

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@jannable9

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

@RexHuppke

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

@trevso_electric

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

@jonnysun

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

@RideSallyRide69

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

@_davidlucas_

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

@seandunn76

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

@funnyordie

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

@demented_Ash

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

@Lisabug74

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.