Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
2/Stop for no reason
I’m gonna be honest, I don’t even know where girls pee from
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For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.