Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
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I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
When he asks for feet pics
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Well, that didn’t work.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Sooo many times…..
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.