@Wakenbake77

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

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@RackOfSteel

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

@woodmuffin

GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]

@TragicAllyHere

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

@Smooheed

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

@thatcarlygirl

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

@SufficientCharm

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

@beeple

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

@reputathebeauta

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.