Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
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GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.