[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
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I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
never compromise your values
Growing up was a huge mistake
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick