@DiscoFruit

i’m gonna build my house on your house and if you even come close to my house that’s attached to your house, we’ll attack you..

– bees

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@Be___Dope

Her: You like shopping?

Me: Oh god yes!

Her: What’s your favorite place?

Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!

@Faux_Ma

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

@FancyNancyAnn

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

@faizziy

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

@Rollinintheseat

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

@iamburtjarvis

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

@LousyBastard

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

@KalvinMacleod

DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT

@Momtoteens

When I go see my drug dealer, she makes me lay on a couch and talk to her for an hour first.