[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I’m gonna buy some cheese and put it behind glass with a sign that reads “In queso emergency, break glass”
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My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Her: I like risk takers
Me:[goes to the McDonalds Drive Thru and places a complicated order. Grabs the bag and drives off w/o checking it]
Go into a bathroom stall and write: “For A Good Time Call Your Mother. She Misses You & Enjoys Hearing Your Voice.”
I just don’t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a beat too long*
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.