Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
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The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
what is cheese if not milk persevering
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids