I’m gonna buy some cheese and put it behind glass with a sign that reads “In queso emergency, break glass”

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[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.


My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.


We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex


Her: I like risk takers

Me:[goes to the McDonalds Drive Thru and places a complicated order. Grabs the bag and drives off w/o checking it]


Go into a bathroom stall and write: “For A Good Time Call Your Mother. She Misses You & Enjoys Hearing Your Voice.”


I just don’t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.


All I wanna do is
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus


[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway


my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a beat too long*


Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.