The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
You Might Also Like
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I hate when that happens.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
relationship goals
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’