I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
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This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Me irl
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.