“I’m gonna cramp your style.” – Menstruation

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“Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?” “Actually I think it was when you hit me with your car-” “WE GOT AN ANGEL OVER HERE!”


Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all


When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.


THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]


God: you’re a zebra.

Zebra: nice!

God: you have black stripes.

Zebra: like a tiger?

God: yes exactly!

Zebra: so we’re the same!

God: no.

Zebra: why not?

God: you eat grass instead of meat.

Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!


My barista recognizes me, but she doesn’t seem to know my name. I mean, she’ll look right at me and just yell “get out of my house!”


Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.


Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.


[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?