Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
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Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Nothing.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !