I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
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A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*