“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
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I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”