I’m gonna go out on a limb and declare ‘Drugs’ the winner of the war on drugs.

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me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: make her feel wanted


me: [puts bounty on her]


The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.


My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol


I want to have kids before my parents are too old to be able to take care of them.


I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.


This is the internet. Everybody tells the truth.


Now remember kids; if a stranger offers you drugs say thank you because drugs are expensive ūüėČ


*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop