@bfrosty04

I’m gonna go out on a limb and declare ‘Drugs’ the winner of the war on drugs.

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@tweetsbyrocket

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: make her feel wanted

{later}

me: [puts bounty on her]

@RodLacroix

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

@ItsSamG

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

@TheRohiniReddy

I want to have kids before my parents are too old to be able to take care of them.

@Breadery

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

@tsm560

This is the internet. Everybody tells the truth.

@SpeakComedy

Now remember kids; if a stranger offers you drugs say thank you because drugs are expensive ūüėČ

@collinwithtwoLs

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop