i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
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The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England