Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
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a conspiracy: all these dudes on tinder are actually holding the same fish. they just ship it to each other when they need a new photo because they can’t actually catch one
BAD GUY (hiding in my back seat): *strangling me to death*
ME: *choking but still embarrassed he heard me singing that shania twain song*
Pissing Blood is bad right?
PHEW! false alarm guys, its Ketchup!
… Pissing Ketchup is bad right?
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
[at Timmy’s funeral]
Lassie’s thought bubble: Frankly, I can’t even believe he lasted this long I’m so tired
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Saw my chart at the Doctor’s Office, and it’s just a list of jokes he’s already told me and if I’d laughed or not.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same