@I_am_carbs

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

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@WilliamAder

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

@AlwaysAButt

a conspiracy: all these dudes on tinder are actually holding the same fish. they just ship it to each other when they need a new photo because they can’t actually catch one

@Brampersandon_

BAD GUY (hiding in my back seat): *strangling me to death*

ME: *choking but still embarrassed he heard me singing that shania twain song*

@shwebby3

Pissing Blood is bad right?

PHEW! false alarm guys, its Ketchup!

… Pissing Ketchup is bad right?

@ClichedOut

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

@jergarl

[at Timmy’s funeral]

Lassie’s thought bubble: Frankly, I can’t even believe he lasted this long I’m so tired

@VerifiedDrunk

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

@JoelKrass

Saw my chart at the Doctor’s Office, and it’s just a list of jokes he’s already told me and if I’d laughed or not.

@GingerHotDish

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

@DrakeGatsby

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same