I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
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1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
i will not be silenced
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
much to think about
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.