I’m gonna go see the new Annabelle movie just to watch a less evil entity on a screen.

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When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write “HELP ME” while maintaining eye contact


Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]


I deserve an Oscar for acting like I can see a baby when someone shows me an ultrasound pic


Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!


“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered


Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.


The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded


I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.


My neighbour has diabetes and now she won’t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.