[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
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KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”