im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
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ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing