“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
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Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I ruin friend groups by always suggesting we start a band too early
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
F1: I’m going camping.
F2: What about the wild animals?
F1: I’ve got that covered. I’ve been secretly training at Furry conventions.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
DOCTOR: Ted, you’re dying.
PATIENT: My name isn’t Ted.
DOCTOR (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.