I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

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I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.


[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”


{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.


Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.


how to get into shape:
1. punch a bear
2. run. this is your life now


god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing


If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me


Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]