@NippleAdam

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

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@nigelgodwin

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

@murrman5

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

@AndrewNadeau0

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

@ShootyDoody

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

@JhonRules

how to get into shape:
1. punch a bear
2. run. this is your life now

@pilau

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

@thefosterer

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

@HiddenPinky

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]