I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
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see you in hell you stupid fruit
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.