911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
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A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.