Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
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[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs