I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
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When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it