If I am farther than you in candy crush I will automatically think im smarter than you.
I’m gonna live tweet my Game of Thrones experience tonight, you guys ready? Here we go:
I can’t afford HBO.
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Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Nobody expects you to tweet brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
MIND BENDER: Take your age. Now subtract 3. That’s how old you were three years ago.
Fatherhood Tip : If there’s puke in your coat pocket and poop on your shoulder, you’re holding the baby upside down.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Strip search? … OK, but I’m going to need some background music.
13: I have a friend that doesn’t like baseball, chocolate, or bacon.
Me: Pretty sure that’s not a friend, bro.