@_steamy_mac

I’m gonna live tweet my Game of Thrones experience tonight, you guys ready? Here we go:

I can’t afford HBO.

I’m gonna live tweet my Game of Thrones experience tonight, you guys ready? Here we go:

I can’t afford HBO.

- @_steamy_mac

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@darksidedeb

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

@YayatiSB

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

@AudreyPorne

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol

@3sunzzz

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

@NewDadNotes

[blind date]

Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.

Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.

Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!

Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?

@Reverend_Scott

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

@Mostly_Cheese

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

@paulhorne

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.