I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
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My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
That’s enough internet for the day