@_steamy_mac

I’m gonna live tweet my Game of Thrones experience tonight, you guys ready? Here we go:

I can’t afford HBO.

You Might Also Like

@LeonEarlgrey

If I am farther than you in candy crush I will automatically think im smarter than you.

@Ristolable

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

@NatetheEnigma

Nobody expects you to tweet brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.

@thetits

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

@BillMc7

MIND BENDER: Take your age. Now subtract 3. That’s how old you were three years ago.

@HeyZeus666

Fatherhood Tip : If there’s puke in your coat pocket and poop on your shoulder, you’re holding the baby upside down.

@LeBearGirdle

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

@aysashaya

Strip search? … OK, but I’m going to need some background music.

@kcmoore51

13: I have a friend that doesn’t like baseball, chocolate, or bacon.

Me: Pretty sure that’s not a friend, bro.