[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
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me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
This is a bad sign
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I know a bad idea when I see one.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.