“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
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Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.